Me: “what could possibly go wrong?”
Anxiety: “well, I’m glad you asked”
If you know me then you would know that I tend to suffer from anxiety. At times, it can completely overcome me and I struggle to see past it. In the early days of my condition, my anxiety went through the roof because I found myself in a situation that I could not control. I honestly had myself convinced that ITP was going to be the death of me and that a simple bump could kill me (although this is possible the likely hood of this happening is extremely miniature).
Seeming as I have had my condition for over a couple of years now (guess what I am still alive) I would like to say that I have my anxiety under control however that would be a lie. It still lingers within me and can at times disable my ability to think rationally. Things as little as a small bruise on my legs can sometimes give me heart-pounding anxiety with images playing repeatedly in my head of me ending up in emergency.
I still recall one of my hospital appointments where my levels had dropped to what we would call “unsafe” I literally felt fear, my heart started pounding, my mind was running wild (screaming at me “THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE END”) and my gut felt like it had fell out my arse – you know that complete sinking feeling?
I even at times get this feeling when I am driving. I get irrational thoughts about being in a car accident and knowing that my blood does not clot I panic that I would bleed out before an ambulance would even get to me. My anxiety at times terrorizes me to a state where I feel paralyzed and cannot see past these irrational thoughts.
What is worse is fatigue is when my anxiety is on high alert and fatigue is one of my ITP symptoms. When I am fatigued, my mind is all foggy and I cannot fight my anxiety with rationality because my mind is not clear.
My husband will often tell me to “relax”, “don’t be stupid” and at times, he has to help guide me through my anxiety so that it does not fully consume me. If however, he is stressed himself then it is as if my anxiety gets a shot of adrenaline and I am off, see you later, Kylie lives here no more.
Eventually when I calm down I think to myself – "you bloody idiot", "why did you even think that" and "you are a physio". Nevertheless, anxiety is manipulating and a bloody good liar.
Recently my anxiety has been in fine form and I am doing my best to keep it under control. I am trying to learn how to manage it better. Luckily knowing that I have been living with ITP for a while now and having nothing seriously happen yet (touchwood) has helped settle my anxiety down. They say acknowledgement is the first step.
I hope for anyone else out there reading this, finding my words relatable may have a tiny shed of comfort knowing they are not alone. For me, I created this page as a place of refuge for those going through a turbulent time - sharing my story in hopes that others feel less alone during this journey.
If you are looking for some mental support, you can also get in touch with Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636.