Yep, this is a very random topic considering my blog is about chronic illness in particular ITP. Nonetheless, since starting rituximab my husband and I have had to start practicing safe sex again. Specifically my Doctor recommended condoms.
This should be a simple task, right? Buy condoms, unwrap the condom, place it on and off you go. Well whilst it sounds simple enough, after going so long without practicing safe sex, it's been a real adjustment.
Clearly, I have an oversharing problem. But lets all have a laugh at our expense.
Firstly, we had the who is going to buy the condoms argument. Clearly an argument I was going to win because deep down inside my husband knew there was no chance I'd let him touch me without one. Plus a woman's "need" of sex can go lengths between urges. Therefore, I without a doubt had the upper hand and used it.
Having to purchase condoms made my husband feel like a teenage boy once again, the outspoken, loud mouth, confident man turned into a shy, embarrassed teenager who didn't want anyone to see him in the condom isle or worse still having to take the condoms to the checkout. This clearly effected his judgement in regards to picking the right condom size, but I will get to that.
With condoms on standby by husband was ready for the moment, when the moment came about.
The moment was upon us, we were off and away. Babe, get the condom out. Yep, I got it! Ok here we go........ He unwraps the condom, goes to put it on and put's it on the wrong way. He tried and tried to push the condom down and couldn't work out why it's was not unraveling, image the pressure. You have been waiting for this moment, you're excited and you can't get the dam condom to work. I didn't want to take his focus away, so I was watching, knowing the reason why it wasn't working, hoping he'd figure it out..... but nothing, just a confused look on his face whilst he kept trying to get the condom to unravel. So I had to step in and speak up.
As soon as I spoke..... what was up, fastly went down. Oh No.... I felt bad, he felt embarrassed and the mood was gone.
Eventually, we tried again. YES! Lesson learned and he got it right.... woohoo. Organism high fives all round.
But then, ouch! Babe, my penis feels sore hey. What do you mean it's sore? It hurts, the condom was uncomfortable.
My thoughts...... is he having me on here? Is this a ploy? "It doesn't feel the same" blah blah blah.... the doctor said we can't have sex without one. Suck it up!
It was not a ploy, he did actually have penis pain. But not from all condoms but because the condoms he purchased were too small. When I had a look at the pack... I laughed, babe, this will make you happy to know that you need a bigger size.
The debate began again, who is going to buy the condoms..... didn't he learn his lesson the first time?
After a standoff.....you no doubt can guess who won the battle of the condom purchase.
So there you have it. Safe Sex experience for the married couple who have not practice safe sex in a decade. Thank you Rituximab for this joyful experience
Oh just to add for the ladies..... Condoms are awesome, no dribble down the legs afterwards - mess free ;)